You are who you are.
Every attempt to shrink yourself, to correct yourself, to “improve” yourself is a betrayal of yourself — because somewhere you were taught that you, as you are, are not worthy of love, of acceptance, of respect.
So you try to change yourself, to fix yourself, to shrink yourself — anything to finally earn acceptance and love.
But the need for love and acceptance is a child’s need. Without it, a child does not survive. It belongs to the level of survival.
At five years old this is no problem. But past the age of twenty, to beg for acceptance, love and respect is to pay for them with loyalty to yourself.
Paying with loyalty = betraying yourself = self-hatred, shame, depression.
Betraying yourself is staying silent when you wanted to speak.
Not doing what you wanted to do. Doing what you did not want to do. Giving up your own truth. Closing your eyes to what you did not want to close them to. Agreeing where you did not want to agree. Shrinking yourself so you don’t stand out, so you fit inside the common frame. Choosing to be proper rather than honest.
And what do you actually get for it?
Most likely, dejection — because you have, quite literally, suppressed yourself. Then shame: shame for the betrayal. Then hatred, of yourself and of others. And that is more than enough to cultivate the kind of steady, everyday psychological problems that last for years.
But do you know what is truly absurd?
Even if the betrayal wins you acceptance, respect, love, fame — you will burn with shame. Because inside you will know what you paid for it: you trampled yourself, you betrayed your own truth, you shut your eyes to what you hold important and valuable.
Sometimes other people betray us, and that can hurt badly.
But everything above, you do to yourself. Not others. You.
Here is what I hold: whether you are loved or not, accepted or rejected, respected or despised — that is not your business. It is the business of others.
Ask yourself. Do you respect, accept or love someone because they try to please you? Because they betray themselves, shrink themselves? Never. You can love a person even when they hurt you, even when they never agree with you. And you can feel neither love nor respect for the one who gives you nothing but compliments, indulges you in everything, and never offends you. That is your choice alone.
Once more: whether you are loved or not, accepted or rejected, respected or despised — that is not your business.
You exist — whether you are respected or despised, loved or condemned, accepted or rejected. They reject you? Good. They despise you? Wonderful! They hate you? Excellent. But you are who you are.
